Courage – A Mother’s Message

Marion Halloway sat alone at the small café in her town. Her cooling coffee with swirled of cream on top was her only companion. That is, except for her thoughts. It had been over a year now since she lost her mother. She sometimes got so lonely and missed her mother, it was a tangible thing. Arlene Shoemacker hadn’t been the easiest person to have for a mother, especially when Marion was a child. The life that molded Arlene wasn’t always the easiest of lives either.


Arlene was born during hard times. The youngest of seven children, always struggling to survive, she had to become tough. Her parents had little education, as did many working families in the 1920’s. Though Arlene had dreams, they were not meant to come true for her. A child of the depression, she fondly told stories about walking to the local grocery store to salvage what good produce from the trash she and her mother could find. Close bonds between parent and child were forged during times such as these. Picking berried wasn’t a recreational activity, but one of trying to find some sweet treat for free. Arlene and her two next older sisters were very close. They were only two years apart from eldest to youngest. They shared everything; clothing, food, and a bed. Although there were older children, the bond between these three was a special one.


Arlene met a boy at the tender age of thirteen. Neither of them knew it at that time, but it was to be a love that would last a lifetime. Warren, also a child of his time, at seventeen, was a working man. Having left school at thirteen, he had to find work to help support his family. Each morning he would pedal his bike fifteen miles to a farm that had enough work for him to do. He earned very little money, but it gave him an opportunity to make a contribution.


It was at this time, Arlene and Warren met and began a love that would, for each of them, be “that special one.” But time was not to be good to them. W.W.II began taking young sons from families all across the country. Since Warren was one of four sons, he left for Germany to do his duty to preserve the values of this nation. Arlene, with childlike innocence, wanted to follow her love to the war. Nursing was the job she felt was her calling. Being the baby, and having a father that wanted to protect his youngest child from the horrors of war, she was forbidden to sign-up. Her love left her, perhaps for the last time.


Arlene left school to find work so she could help the family. This put an end to all the childhood dreams that Arlene once held so dear. She began the hard life of an adult without ever really having the luxury of a childhood. Such were the times of the depression.


Arlene was soon the only sibling still living with her parents. She took a job in the textile mill in her town. She made netting that was to be sent to Europe to aid in the war effort. Her father, too, worked in the textile factory. One day, while performing a job with chemicals, he was exposed to a large amount of toxins. Later that day, Arlene found her father in the barn, slumped over the engine of his car, dead. Arlene and her mother struggled to make ends meet after her father’s death. It was at this time Arlene began drinking. She was only seventeen.


Being a working girl, Arlene felt she was entitled to certain freedoms. She began to go to out bars and meet new people. A man entered her life. He was handsome and expressed great fondness for her. She felt little for him, her heart still belonged to another. As months went by, Arlene gave in to her suitor and agreed to marry him. At first their life was wonderful, but that soon changed. They lived with Arlene’s mother so they could all survive the economic times. Arlene became pregnant at eighteen and had a daughter at nineteen. Little Joann was the light in the lives of the entire family. Arlene’s husband, she soon realized, was an alcoholic. He would drink and then beat her, and on occasion, he would beat her mother. Arlene took a stand when he came home one night and woke up the sleeping baby. To make her stop crying, he hit the child until she stopped. The very next day, Arlene contacted a local attorney and filed for divorce. She didn’t know it but the attorney and her husband’s family were old friends. She received her divorce, but her husband got a very lenient visitation order. He came anytime he wanted and took the child, returning her whenever he wanted. One day, when the girl was two and a half, her father came to pick her up. He clearly had been drinking. Arlene and her ex-husband fought. Her mother attempted to remove the child and hide her. He insisted he was going to take her. He took the crying child out the door and began to cross the street in front of the house. Arlene ran outside at the same time. He allowed the child to slip from his hands. At that moment, a car came at a high rate of speed around the corner. Arlene watched as he child was stuck and throw into the air. The little girl landed not too far from where Arlene was standing. In horror, she saw the toll the accident had taken on her precious baby. Her husband was, in fact, too drunk to drive them to the hospital twenty miles from where they lived. So the man who hit her daughter, also drunk, drove them to the hospital for help. Arlene struggled to keep the child’s airways open. There was blood covering both of them. The child survived only eighteen hours in the hospital. Arlene never left her side. Before the baby died, she opened her eyes and told Arlene she loved her.


At the funeral, the driver of the car, who took Arlene’s daughter from her said, “Don’t fret too much, you’re still young. You’ll have other children.” Life was certainly not kind to Arlene, and neither were the people in it.


Arlene, now devastated by her loss, returned to a wild life. She threw abandon to the wind. Luckily she met a very kind man from a good family. He rescued her from herself and helped ease the pain of her loss. She agreed to marry this man after he courted her for almost a year. They too, moved in with Arlene’s mother who was struggling with health issues related to tuberculosis. Arlene’s precious mother was the next loss she would need to endure.


Her mother’s death, the third loss in ten years, left Arlene devastated. She and her husband moved to a very small apartment in the town. For the first time, Arlene, at twenty-seven, was living away from her family. It was at this time that he husband was diagnosed with a life threatening kidney disorder. It was genetic in nature and was sure to take his life early. Arlene had few supports. Her husband suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of his diagnosis.


It was at this time that Arlene’s sister ran into Warren. They talked about times before the war, and what had happened since. Warren had returned to the United States from Europe. He looked for Arlene, but found out that she had married. He too married, and was now the father of three sons. When he heard the tragic turns that Arlene’s life had taken, he wanted to see her. His feelings for her were unchanged. He hoped that Arlene still remembered him and would see him. Arlene’s sister went immediately to her and shared the conversation she had had with Warren. As wrong as they both knew it was, their love was unchanged by time, war, tragedy, or the marital commitments they had both made to another. They had a second change and they took it.


They began to see each other every Friday night. Neither spouse knew what was going on. It was during these secret meetings that Marion had been conceived. Arlene’s husband was delighted by the prospect of a baby in the house. The thought provided him a distraction from his illness. Marion was a much loved baby. For Arlene, Marion represented another chance to raise and nurture a child. For four years, Marion was the focus of Arlene’s life, as were her Friday meetings with Warren. Arlene became pregnant for a second time. This time her pregnancy was ill-fated. Her husband suffered another nervous breakdown and needed to have additional support. They moved into a small one bedroom apartment above her husband’s mothers. He began to threaten Arlene, and became aggressive with her. During her seventh month of pregnancy, Arlene knew that something was not right. She became concerned when the baby stopped moving. She told her husband she needed to be checked. He reminded her that, ‘she was only pregnant,’ while he on the other had was dying. He refused to take her to the doctor. When she began to hemorrhage, Arlene was finally taken to the hospital. She gave birth to her only son. He was two months premature and born anoxic. He had been deprived of oxygen for a prolonged period of time. If he lived, Arlene was told that her son would be retarded. The doctors didn’t give her much hope. She was to bring home and try to preserve the life of her poor baby. It was at this time that Marion was emotionally abandoned. The focus was always on her brother. “He’s special,” was what Marion felt to be the hideous catch phrase for all the lack of care, love, and support she once possessed. She was to understand, but Marion was only four years old. She had needs and began to express them with defiant and rude behavior. Arlene was at a loss. She was nurturing a child that she felt responsible for damaging. If only she would have insisted on getting the help she needed, this child would not have been harmed. Why was her daughter being so difficult? She had a husband who was suffering a terrible illness, a child who needed her undying devotion, and her daughter who was being miserable. Arlene didn’t know how to deal with it all. She began to hit Marion to try to gain control of at least one of her challenges. Still each Friday night, Arlene saw Warren. It was the one moment preserved just for her and the love that sustained her.


Two years passed in this way. Knowing he was near his end, Arlene’s husband wanted to be sure he provided a home for his family. Still with little money, they bought a home in need of a great deal of repair. Two weeks later, Arlene’s husband passed away. She was left with a home that had no heat, plumbing, or electricity. She had no means of support except a meager Social Security check that came once a month. Her son was still very ill at two years old, so Arlene couldn’t leave him to work. Marion was just seven. She had needs too, but they want unnoticed. After the funeral, a man appeared at Marion’s house. She was missing her Daddy and was just miserable, crying uncontrollably. Arlene, with the backside of her hand hit Marion off her chair and informed her daughter that the man who had died had not, in fact, been her ‘Daddy.’ This new stranger was her father and she just better get used to it. At seven, Marion knew about the ways of the world. It was a lesson delivered much too early in the life of a child.


For the next five years, her Grandmother lived and needed to be lied to. Gram was Arlene’s mother-in-law and now Marion knew that she was not really her grandmother. It didn’t stop the bond between the old woman and Marion. She was the only person who really showed Marion any attention and concern. Marion loved her and hated to lie to her. She also had to cover for her brother who by this time was talking. If he let any information slip, Marion was told she had to conceal it. When Gram died, Marion experienced a deep remorse, but also relief. Her days of lying were over.


Marion developed a true hostility for her mother and Warren, too. She now called him Dad. Marion was twelve. Her behavior at home challenged Arlene every moment. When she could endure no more, she beat Marion with a board that Warren provided from his contracting business. Arlene was to break many of the paddles over Marion. Her ‘special’ brother never saw a minute of the abuse. Marion realized her only escape was to be through school. Marion was a very bright child. Because neither of her parents finished school, they had extremely high expectations, but could in no way support Marion’s efforts. In school, Marion tried to always do her best, but was limited by her shyness. She had few friends. Sharing was hard when your whole life was about hiding who you were, feeling like you were a defective piece of humanity, a child that no one really cared about.


Warren never divorced his wife all those years. She found out about Warren’s other family, but knew she couldn’t change it. Trying to be responsible to two families took its toll on Warren. The first Christmas break from college was a good one for Marion. Begin away relieved some of the tension at home. While waiting for Warren to come on New Year’s Eve, Arlene received a phone call from the hospital. Warren had suffered a heart attack. He wanted Arlene to know, but because she was not immediate family, she couldn’t go to see him... Warren died five days later. Arlene, Marion, and her brother had to visit the funeral home while the flowers were being set up. They couldn’t go and grieve with the rest…they were not his family…they were nobodies.


Marion married while at college and after graduation moved away with her husband. It was at this time that Arlene was left with the ‘special’ monster she had created. Her life never seemed to have any smooth spots. Marion moved back to her hometown after being away for three years. Her relationship with Arlene still suffered the strain of all the years of abuse and emotional neglect. Marion had gone off and created a life for herself. She knew she had done it with no support from home. She wasn’t always kind in her response to Arlene.


The relationship between mother and daughter was not good. This changed when after sixteen years of marriage, Marion had her children. She could then understand the loss her mother had suffered all those years ago. She began to reconcile her anger and try to understand just what long endured trials her mother had faced. When Marion’s children were just two years old, Arlene was diagnosed with lung cancer. She went through chemotherapy and radiation. Only once did she shed a tear when her hair fell out. Arlene had surgeries and nearly died several times during her treatment. She lived with Marion during this time. A bond was forged from the rubble of what had been their previous relationship. There had been a time in her life that Marion probably wouldn’t have cared if her mother would die. Now the thought of it terrified her. Arlene wanted to live long enough to see her grandchildren start school. That was not to be. In September, the twins turned three years old and Arlene was declared cancer free. In January, one year after her cancer had been diagnosed, Arlene developed pneumonia. Her lungs were weakened from all the radiation and unable to fight the infection. She signaled to Marion from her bed that it was okay to unplug the ventilator that was breathing for her. She had reconciled her life and was prepared to be rejoined with her daughter, her mother, her father, and her love. As Marion left her for the last time, her mother, her precious mother, smiled and waved a goodbye. Her spirits were high, and she was at peace.


Marion spoke at her mother’s funeral about how she had been a difficult child. Many nods of recognitions and agreement were to be seen in the crowd of people who attended Arlene’s funeral. Marion shared that although she always thought she knew more than her mother and let her know that at every turn, it was her mother, in the end, who taught Marion something. Arlene had finally reached her daughter with a message of courage in the face of adversity, a need to have faith and trust that God will ease all suffering, and to live until you die. Marion was proud of her mother. Who she was, she earned through all the hard knocks life could send her way. In her early years, toughness seemed to elude Arlene. In her life, she learned that to survive, you needed to find within yourself the courage to go on.


It’s this message Marion holds dear to her heart. She is thankful that she had a mother she could learn from. God granted Marion children, so she could finally see through a mother’s eyes the life her mother had lived. Marion will miss having her mother to share with all the events in her grandchildren’s life. She will grieve everyday in loneliness the relationship she was able to forge in the end with Arlene. Marion knows she is lucky to have someone she misses this badly, but she will have the courage to go on. It’s an enduring gift from her mother.

Chickapea ~ June 30, 1999


This was the first personal narrative I wrote. It was written a year and a half after the passing of my mother. This is her story. I wrote it with invented names because at the time of its writing, it was still too raw an experience. I hope you enjoy my mother’s gift. Dedicated to my mother, Eloise. I am Marion.